April 16, 2013

Tuesday April 16, 2013

Tyler has been off his meds for 5 months now. For the most part, he is functioning well. He lives on his own. I have to remember that; otherwise I get depressed.

Last week he came over. He was calm but very talkative. He sat on the couch talking to me for a few hours. His knees didn't jiggle. His hands were still. Only his mouth was moving.

He said that he cannot read anymore. He says he cannot go back to school because not only can he not read books, he is unable to read the news apps on his phone that he used to enjoy only a short time ago. When I asked him why, he said the words bounce all over the page. He will read and reread the same page and not comprehend what the information is about. When his roommate Sean reads an article, he understands it's about guns. When Tyler reads the same article, he thinks it's about dogs.

Tyler told me he has started messing up his words. It was very hard for him to explain, but it was more than just saying "pud muddle" when he meant to say "mud puddle", although he did that during our conversation. He knows when he is doing it. As soon as it happens, he looks at me with an exasperated expression and says, "See??" The way he explained it to me was this: take the words "watermelon" and "lifeboat". He will say "waterlife" and "boatmelon". He says he thinks the right words in his head, but his mouth doesn't say the correct thing.

Another thing he says has been happening is that when he tells a story, he will think the whole thing in his head, but only tell the beginning and skip to the end. His friends just look at him and say "huh? That doesn't make any sense. It's like you only told the end of the story."

Ty told me about last week when he was at the mall. He was with 2 friends in front of a store, and then next thing he knew, he was on the opposite end of the mall and his friends were nowhere in sight. He had to call them to find out where they were. He said it was like he blacked out and had no idea how he could walk the whole length of the mall and not remember doing it.

Tyler told me that he is scared to drive anymore. His eyes have been playing tricks on him. A few days ago, he was sitting at a red light at a four-way intersection. The lights were jumping around on him. He thought the light turned green and he started to drive. Then he saw the cars on his right start to drive in front of his car, and when he looked back to his stoplight, it was red. He is scared he will get in an accident.

During our conversation, Tyler said he's not sure of his thoughts anymore. He knows he is smart, but maybe that's the voices telling him that, and he's not really smart but dumb. He doubts his intelligence and the things he knows. He's not sure it's reality.

Throughout our talk, Tyler is receptive to my questions. He does not control the conversation like he does when he is manic. We have good back and forth. He is very scared and reaching out to me, but I do not know how to help him, or if he would even take my advice.

He really dumped a lot on me this time. I am amazed that I held it together. I didn't even cry afterward, although my heart was aching terribly. I think I buried it and maybe try to detach myself from the situation and treat him like a patient and not my son.

I did tell Tyler that he needs to exercise his brain. He reminded me that he can't read. I told him there are things on YouTube he could listen to. There are educational videos on history (which he loves) that he could listen to and learn from. As long as he's learning, it's like doing bicep curls but for his brain. After all, the brain is a muscle - the more you use it, the stronger it gets. You don't use it, you lose it. I texted him some links to the videos that Brian watches all the time called Crash Course. I think Ty would really like them.