May 1, 2012

Tuesday May 1, 2012

Brian and I just left an appointment with Tyler's counselor Scott. He used a lot of negative terminology. I was wondering why Tyler's recent appointments have been running so short - yesterday's lasted 20 minutes. When I asked Tyler about it, he said they didn't have anything more to talk about. Scott said 20 minutes was all Tyler could handle. He sees Tyler growing fidgety and his eyes dart around the room. Tyler said he sees bugs crawling on the walls. His brain shuts off and anything said over the 20 minutes goes in one ear and directly out the other. At least he told Scott about the voices telling him to cut himself last week. He tells Scott he wants to die. He told him about the gun facebook post. He said Brian has been a huge help to him, helping him deal with things. I'm glad one of us can.

Scott used words like "severely psychotic" and "extremely mentally ill". He said that Tyler was the most schizophrenic teenager he has ever seen. He voiced his very strong doubts that Tyler will ever be able to hold a job for very long. He said he needs to work with other people, and not by himself making pizzas. Tyler told him he couldn't handle that job because the pizzas were talking to him. Tyler told him he snorted the Xanax a few weeks ago. OH. Now it makes sense. Now I understand why Ty didn't reach the peak effect and his condition kept worsening. It's called First-Pass Effect, and he bypassed that. The drugs went straight to his brain without going through his stomach and being metabolized in the liver as in a normal situation, so the drugs had a much stronger effect.

I don't want Tyler to know that he probably won't be able to hold a job. I don't want Tyler to know the severity that Scott sees. I want him to have hopes and dreams. I want him to have a 'normal' life with a career and a family and a steady job. I am not ready to give that up. I will fight for these things with all of my being. I will do anything for my son. I will drop everything if he needs me. I will give up everything for him. I cannot accept that my son will not be normal. I won't accept it.

I needed to know when to get intervention. This is why I made the appointment with Scott. I needed to find out his opinion of Tyler's mental state, and what he thinks he's capable of. He helped put into perspective that Tyler has never hurt anyone beside himself. He is not violent, despite what the voices tell him to do. Tyler is not a criminal. He self-harms because he doesn't know what else to do. Ty said he would go to Brian when he hears voices telling him to do something, and say "Hey, is this okay?" and Brian can direct him. He has already begun doing this, which is very good.

Scott says Tyler is extremely bright, and he has a good grasp on what is happening to him, but he does not have a good grasp on reality. He said Tyler doesn't want to kill himself. He may say, "I want to die" but he doesn't want to do it. That was encouraging for me to hear. Scott said we can't treat Tyler like a normal teen who may be suicidal. If you have a normal boy who cut himself up and wrote a death poem and says he wants to blow his brains out, then yes, have him committed. But Ty is not a normal teen. This behavior is common place with Tyler. He gave the acronym of SLAP. S is for specific - does Tyler say "I'm going to get a knife from the kitchen and cut my wrists this way, and that's how I'm going to die". L is for lethality - did he harm himself so badly that he needs medical attention? A is for Availability - is he making himself available to others and being social, or is he hiding in his room and not responding to anyone? P is for proximity - how close is Tyler's support system, and is there one in place?

This was very helpful to me. I need constant reminding to put things into perspective. I get caught up in the moment that is happening right now, and I start bawling. "Don't you think about what this would do to me? I won't be able to take it if you kill yourself" are the things I usually say to him to try to understand the reason WHY. Each time I have asked Tyler questions like this, he has a flat effect on his face, and he tells me he doesn't care how I feel about it, and he doesn't care what it would do to his loved ones.

Flat effect is very common with schizophrenics. When things become too hard to handle, the emotion center of their brain shuts off, and they show nothing. They feel nothing. Scott advised me that when this happens, I need to be flat also. Don't cry or scream or try to get through to him with emotions. Ha! Yeah right. But I have to try. Tell Tyler that if he kills himself, "I will miss you" - very flat. When I leave the room, then I can breakdown. I have to respond as if I was talking to a patient. Explain things shortly and in a simple manner, while being supportive.

I can't accept all of this. This is not normal. This is not my son. I don't think of 'my son the schizophrenic'. I think of 'my son the wonderful, bright, funny little boy I've always known'. This is all new to me. I don't know where it came from. From day to day, I don't know where it's going. Scott says we haven't hit the bottom of this yet, but keep my chin up. Tyler is not criminally minded, and he is not violent to others. He just needs help dealing with what's going on in his head, and I don't know the half-of the half-of-it. I have to focus on today, and today only. Is my son alive? Yes? Good. Deep breath. Keep going.

April 24, 2012 - cutting part two

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

How terribly sad. I can't believe this is happening. I'm so angry that my son has to deal with this disease.

Never alone.

Trapped within the confines of my brain.

 

I am helpless.

About 45 minutes after I had come upstairs, Brian came up and he said Tyler was sitting up and talking to him. They were laughing. Tyler was very responsive to him, and they had good conversation about what happened. Ty told him that he remembers cutting himself, but it seemed like a dream. When he woke up, his arm was all cut up. Brian told Tyler the next time voices are telling him to do something, come ask him if it's a good idea or not, and they can work together. Tyler really liked that idea.

I felt better hearing all that. I felt like my son would live through the night. I didn't call the cops. I called his counselor Scott and his psychiatrist instead. I had to leave messages, but they both called me back. I didn't tell Dr. Palamara about the cutting or the poem, or the facebook post. I knew she would say he was a danger to himself or others, and the authorities would be called. I told he we are not being aggressive enough with his meds, and I want to treat this much more aggressively. His depression is out of control. She said that we need to control the voices first because the voices are directing his depression. He's now on the max dose of Risperidone. I booked an appointment for Brian and I to see Scott. I want to see how his sessions are going, and I need help in dealing with Tyler. I really have no idea what I'm doing, or how to respond. Nothing I am doing is working, but at least he is responding to Brian.

Thank God for Brian.

Death Poem

Tyler's Death Poem

Gun in my mouth

tear in my eye

last minutes alive

and all I can do is cry

 

Drugged up I won't feel a thing

swimming in a sea of codine

locked in a cell going insane

Trapped within the confines of my brain

 

schizophrenic never alone

sitting upon deaths throne

you push my finger into the trigger

everyone knows I'm nothing without her

 

Dead

April 24, 2012 - Cutting part one

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Today is Brian's 29th birthday. It was a good day! Until about 10 pm, when I was browsing through Flipboard on my iPad, and saw a facebook post Tyler had made about an hour prior. It said "Help me put a gun in my mouth. I'm to scared." My heart started pounding, and I felt like throwing up. He was downstairs, so I picked up my phone and texted him. This is how our conversation went:

"What's that fb post about?"

"None of your business"

"It is definitely my business if you want to kill yourself"

"I always want to"

"What happened?"

"Nothing"

"Are you hearing voices?"

"Yeah"

"Are they telling you to kill yourself?"

"No"

"What are they saying?"

"They told me I needed to punish myself so I cut my wrist up"

The tears came immediately and I almost dropped my phone in my rush to get downstairs. When I entered his room, he was laying limply on his bed. I grabbed his right forearm, and there were over 20 horizontal cuts starting at his wrist and ending as his elbow. They were superficial, but all were bleeding, or starting to bleed.

He was very unresponsive, lying there staring at the wall. I asked his what he cut himself with and he pointed to his nightstand. I saw a straight razor there. I asked him why he would do this, and he just shrugged. It was the same conversation we have had many times - Please don't kill yourself, I don't want you to die, Don't you know what this will do to me, I can't handle it if you die Tyler. He gave me the same response he has as many times - Flat effect, I don't care what it does to you, It doesn't matter, I don't care about you.

I was bawling. All these things were running through my mind - do I call the cops? If so, they will arrest Tyler and take him back down to Grand Rapids, and for what? Going to the hospital doesn't do any good. I literally didn't know what to do. My fight or flight mechanisms had kicked in but had hit a block wall. I was prepared to do anything to make sure my son lived through the night, and the next day, and the next. The reoccurring realization that my son needs help so badly and he is SO mentally sick that he has no idea what he is doing resurfaced again. It hits me so hard that I feel like puking, and it actually makes my heart hurt. I am so torn between doing what Tyler wants (not being committed) and doing what he needs (getting outside help). I have to constantly remind myself that he is not in his right mind, and this is a sickness. The hard part is, he seems so normal 75% of the time, that I want to forget the other 25%.

As all these thought were rushing through my head, I realize that as much as I want my son to live, I can not be here all the time. I can't lock up every kitchen knife. I can't hide all the belts. If he wants to kill himself, there's nothing I can do about it. Telling him how much I love him and need him has no effect.

Brian came downstairs at this point, and his mood was very nonchalant. He approached Ty with indifference, sat in the lazyboy and put his feet up. "What's up Ty?" and Tyler responded.

I decided to let Brian handle it from here, mostly because I needed to go back upstairs and decide what to do, but also because I needed space where I could totally break down.

As I stood up, I saw a spiral notebook on the floor with writing on it. I picked it up and saw there was some lyrics written. I asked him if this was a song. Tyler said he didn't know. I asked him if he wrote it. He replied that he thought so, but he couldn't remember. I ripped the page out and took it with me. I was going to google it to see if it was perhaps song lyrics.

It wasn't.

April 22, 2012

April 22, 2012

Considering Tyler was released from the mental institution this past monday, it was a pretty good week. Tuesday he went to school, and I got some texts from him - of course right in the middle of my naptime - saying he was feeling paranoid. Everyone was looking at him and talking about him. He was feeling "unsafe and scared". I reassured him that this was not true - people weren't talking about him and he has no need to feel paranoid. I told him to try his best and see if he could make it through the day. Just when I fell asleep again, he called me. He was in the office and said he needed to go home because he was hearing whispering and he couldn't ignore it. I gave permission for him to go home.

Wednesday he stayed home from school. We discussed talking to the principal and seeing what his options were as far as getting his school work and having him do it at home for the rest of the year. We haven't acted on that yet.

Tyler went to school and completed the whole day without any problems on Thursday. I had gotten a letter in the mail stating one of his teachers had requested a parent-teacher conference with me. Brian, Tyler and I went to the open house. We spoke with all his teachers, and every one had good things to say about Tyler. He is getting B's and C's in school, and he even has an A in math! I am so proud! It's been a while since he got an A. His teachers said that he has been communicating with them when he feels overwhelmed or stress out. They said sometimes he needs a break just to get his focus back, and they are all receptive to that and work well with him so he can succeed. I was really happy to hear that he is communicating when he needs a bit of help!

So back to Tuesday - Ty was talking to me about Prom and taking Kayla. He was making plans and was pretty excited about it. That night he came upstairs around 10:30. Brian knew there was something wrong. He asked Tyler twice what was wrong and if there was something bothering him. He just said no. Then Brian got adamant and told him to sit his butt in the chair and tell him what was going on. I'm glad he is perceptive like that because I had just chalked it up to Ty being moody. It was like pulling teeth to get information out of him, but we found out that Kayla's mom decided that Tyler wasn't allowed to take Kayla to prom. There was no reason - just no. Tyler said he texted her and when we asked him what he said, he replied that he asked her why not. We made him read the text to us, and O.M.G. It was SO rude and disrespectful! He told her to start acting her age. He told her to butt out and mind her own business. Oh my.

We told Tyler that he just made things much, much worse. He says that he just told her the way he was feeling, and there's nothing wrong with the way he is feeling. We told him that's true, but you don't always need to voice your opinion. Sometimes things are best left unsaid. We explained to him that if he wants to date Kayla, then talking to her mom that way is the absolute wrong way to go about it! He just didn't get it. Then my phone rang. I figured it was Kayla's mom, and I was right. She was pretty lit up. Oh man was I glad that Brian sat Tyler down and made him tell us exactly what was going on. That's the kind of surprise phone call I do not want to get. To make a long story short, we talked a very long time. She knows about Ty's schizophrenia, but doesn't know much about the disease. She says Tyler makes no effort to get to know them. All he wants to do is spend time with Kayla. That's pretty typical of a teenager, I think. We talked for a very long time, and I told her a bit about Tyler - yes, getting information out of him very difficult for anyone. I told her that if Kayla doesn't want to be with Tyler, she need to tell him point blank, and then they need to not talk. Ty needs a clean break. He can't handle this maybe I'll be with you, kissy-kissy, love you still stuff. That's called sending mixed messages. I told her that's not acceptable. Either Kayla needs to be with Ty, or don't be with Ty. Kayla just wants to be friends with everyone and not end anything badly. That's a typical teenage girl thing - but it is not reality. Breaking up is hard to do, and it's usually very ugly. In the end, I think Kayla's mom got it. She felt a lot better, and so did I. That didn't last long because by the time that was over, it was 2 am, and I had to get up in 3 1/2 hours. Ugh.

We helped Tyler come up with a plan of graduating high school, getting a job & making some money. Then date Kayla. Take her to the movies and out to dinner, and date her. He thinks that's a good plan.

Tyler is doing better, although he still says he is depressed. Time is the only thing that can heal a broken heart, and he copes better with every day that passes. Another factor in his depression is that he has never had a girl break up with him. He is the one that always ends it. This situation is much different because he still wants to be with Kayla, and doesn't know why she doesn't want to be with him if she still loves him. I told him that sometimes you never find out why, and you have to be okay with that.